one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
