I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
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