he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
50% drunk capacity currently
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
