You smell like stripper and shame
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
