I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
