i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
