I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
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I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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