I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
