New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
