Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
