Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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