I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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