good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize