she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
