she was so not down for the gang bang
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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