..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
