Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
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jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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