haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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