...so i touched it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
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What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
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I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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