I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
