she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
