In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
