i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
