I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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