So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
