Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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