Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
