And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
