i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
