Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
