News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize