Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
