yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
