My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Did I show you my penis last night?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
