Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
