I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
