the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
