Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
