I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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