I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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