do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
