i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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