Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
