first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Damn victory sex feels great
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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