my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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