my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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