Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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