the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
