every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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