I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
