he puts the penis in happiness.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
