the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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