I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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