It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
