cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
