hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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