Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
