Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
