Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
did i walk over a car last night?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
